Yesterday I decided to delete my myspace account. I sent out messages to the friends I actually still know with my email address telling them I was deleting the account and to keep in touch via email. From the few responses I got, you would have thought I told them I was cutting off a limb. "OMG why would you do that?" "NOOOOOOO!" and my favorite "I hope you lost a bet or something"

Honestly, it was nice to see what people had been up to and I loved when someone from over a decade ago managed to find me and "friend" me. But I was only friends, in real life, with maybe 10 of people. I suppose I am old fashioned in thinking that true friends will write you an email every once in a while filling you in on the details of their life or God forbid, pick up a phone and call you. Instead we have been reduced to posting "comments" like - "hey! you need to stop by more often, quit my job, tell ya about it later" or those annoying ultra glittery "hope you have a great weekend". I found myself spending hours, literally hours, toying around with my layout or myspace stalking celebrities. (I am not proud of that last one)

I think we have all become detached from actual human contact. I know there are people who would argue that this is the next wave of communication and is the way of the future, and if that is really the case then we are in for a sad existence. We are 2 steps away from talking to fake people on a giant wall in our homes, running down pedestrians for fun, and burning all of our books. And if you have no idea what book I am referencing then I have just proven my case.

I don't really need to know what your favorite books are, or what your favorite television show is, you could love the X-Files and still be a complete a$$hole, it doesn't mean we should be "friends" on myspace or anywhere else. If you really are my friend then I already know your favorite television shows, the books you read over and over, the music you can't live without, and we have probably shared at least one of our hopes/dreams with each other already.

I've been detached from myself for awhile now. I lost my way somewhere back there and now I am just trying to get back on track. Writing was always theraputic for me. I am going to spend the extra hours I get back writing or being a better mother to my dog.

I love to meet knew people, so don't think I don't appreciate comments or take them to heart. I find complete strangers to be more honest than most of my friends. Maybe somewhere down the line we will be friends, but until then I won't be leaving you any glittery comments. Feel free to drop me an email though.

darcyroo@gmail.com

So many things unsaid

I miss him. I never had him, but I miss him. I have a perfect idea in my head of what it would be like and as annoying as it might have been, it still seems like a grand time. Coffee in the morning; myself silently reading the paper and he reading a book. A philosophical exchange of words that borders on an arguement and then wraps around to a kiss. An embrace. A connection.
It is so hard to find that connection. It is not something that you can search out and make happen. It happens on its own, unbeknowst to you, until one day you find yourself thinking of the future as you never did before. Fall.

As quick as you find it, it is gone. There is no slip away, no slowly, no gradually, just gone.

Two people who live in reality find it again.

Our greatest fault, not broken promises, not petty differences, not the weight of too many expectations, but rather the inability to escape our own versions of reality. The weight and measure of reality. Really though, its only for our own protection. Maybe it is only me, but I find a comfort in thinking that it is you too. Tied up and twisted, is never how we will feel, no wave, no crash.

If I never speak your name again, then maybe, just maybe I can find someone else who makes me feel half the way you do. But that, in all honesty and reality, is impossible.

I wanted to believe...

What a disappointment XF2 was. I'm just going to lay it out there, it sucked balls. Chris Carter had 10 freaking years to perfect that movie and it looks like something they slapped together the week before they started shooting. Ugh. No more talk of things that disappoint me. (We could be here all night)

My mini vacation was life changing. Izzard opened my eyes to the fundamental belief we should all have- each other. After a drink, some swag, and a few hours of laughter, I left the Orpheum a little more knowledgeable and a little less likely to go to church. If we can't believe in the goodness of ourselves then we really are screwed. 

My horse ride was wonderful. Three days later and I am still sore, my right arm is a lovely shade of red from the severe sunburn that I got (but at least the swelling went down), and I want a horse of my own even more than ever. Bella (pronounced with a -ya not -la) gave me something I forgot I had - a belief in me. You might be able to fool your coworkers into thinking you know best, even when you doubt it yourself. You might be able to fool your family into thinking you have everything under control, even though you feel like your spinning out of control. You might even be able to fool yourself into thinking you are "ok", "alright", "I know what I'm doing", but you will never be able to fool a horse. Take a long hard pause before you jump on the back of that animal, that beautiful creature can read you better than you can read yourself. Horse therapy should be a requirement for all psychological treatment. Skip the shrink and the couch, head over to your local cowboy/horse healer/robert redford and ask for a lesson. It will save you thousands and thousand of dollars in medical bills....although you will probably start up a hefty bill with the local feed store/veterinarian/stable when you decide you want your very own.  

I've been doubting myself lately and thanks to Bella, Izzard, and someone I once loved, I've gotten a little piece of me back. I don't know where exactly I am headed, but at least I have started moving. 

Let's get this thing started

I am taking a mini vacation this week. Two days of Eddie Izzard, a date with a horse, then the grand canyon and right back home. Kind of a crammed together last minute vacation. No Brandi Carlile this time, but horse back riding is all I have been dreaming about for the last month. Let's hope it is as life changing as I want it to be. 

It's kind of a bad week to be taking vacation. The season premiere of Mcleods Daughters is this wednesday and I will be without a computer until Saturday. Hopefully by then some lovely soul will have uploaded it onto you tube. 

The X-Files premiere is on Friday and I had planned on having a party and a sort of high school reunion, but I will be somewhere near the grand canyon so there goes that plan. At least I have a date on Sunday with one of my favorite persons to go see it. 

Well I was going to post a video of the teaser for McLeods Daughters but blogspot is being a jerk and I have to finish packing. 

I promise an awesome blog on Saturday. I will be sleep deprived, high on a McLeods fever, and probly drinking some wine. See you then.