That girl who loves Brandi Carlile

Red was the Color

2011-09-13T22:22:00.005-06:00

This is a live performance from Gregory Alan Isakov from awhile ago and I never have found it recorded anywhere but the YouTube video I pulled it from. It's just one of those songs that resonated with me. It's one of those gems that you can hear at a concert and it never makes it to a professional recording studio, keeping it a little known piece of musical wonderment. Enjoy

We're Not Beautiful ~ Emma Ejwertz

2011-08-07T22:34:00.003-06:00

So this is what it feels like,
this is what it means to grow.
I caught a glimpse into the future,
I felt a stroke of something very very cold.
To sacrifice their lives,
Just to hold my hand.
I'm as cold as ice, you said
Devoted not to love you again.

We're not beautiful
We're not beautiful
You're not beautiful
To me
To me

You're dreaming of a woman,
You're dreaming of your death.
Maybe if you play the game harder
Maybe you wouldn't feel all that regret.
Always run the wrong line,
Making up for a new disease.
This is what is feels like
when pins and needles grow under your feet.

We're not beautiful
We're not beautiful
I'm not beautiful
To me
To me

Dear Friend,

2011-02-09T23:32:00.003-07:00

I remember our goodbye, when you didn't let go of me, when you started to cry. I cried too. You didn't see it, I didn't want you to, but I did. I never said those words. But it's OK, I'm OK.

Our friends keep whispering to each other, as though I don't already know. I think it's funny that everyone that knew us always thought we were more. At first, I was hurt you didn't tell me yourself. But now I understand.

I still remember a conversation we had years ago. We were debating the merits of God and religion and you said,"I think the Beatles got it right. All you need is love." I think you were right. I'm glad you found it. I'm glad you finally found more.

To Crews,

2011-02-05T20:44:00.003-07:00

"Sometimes the only thought
that kept me in the night
was one that I'd forgot
in summers blinding light...

I wrote myself a song
I could not speak what I'd done
He could have been here all along
He could have been anyone

But there is no one who
could wake my heart like this
Could break my world in two
I felt a suddenness, I felt
a suddenness

The day fell completely still
the dream was a lot like this,
but I never knew until
He came to meet me"

Kind of Beautiful

2011-01-27T00:35:00.002-07:00

Dear 2010,

There are so many things left unsaid, unfinished, undone. Where did the time go?

You taught me how to finally let go. Let go of the past and let go in the moment. Trouble is, I can't seem to keep anything anymore. It's just easier to let go. Maybe this year I'll try and keep something. Just one thing.

Here's to keeping at least one thing in 2011

What If's

2010-10-08T01:07:00.004-06:00

I'm not going to pretend to be some fantastically fascinating person. I consider myself average in almost every aspect of my life. I live in an average house, make an average income, doing monotonous average work, and spend an average amount of time posting anonymously to an online blog.

Honestly, even as a 22 year old, I never liked going to clubs(unless it was the last hour at my favorite gay club because they always ended the night with 80's)and I never enjoyed being wing-woman to my oh so fantastically fascinating high school best friend. I just went along with the charade because it's what everyone else was doing, and they all seemed to be happy doing it so why wouldn't I?

On the night of my 22nd birthday my former bff got completely blitzed(which was nothing new, but it was my birthday so I thought maybe this once I wouldn't be the designated driver.) For once I was the center of some random guys attention, until the bff became belligerent, started shouting insane things and ran off into the night. After an hour of searching the streets for her, I went to drop off random guy- who went looking for drunk bff with me- at his hotel. He was in the air force and only in town for one night. When we got to the hotel parking lot, a few of his buddies were hanging out and invited me to continue my birthday celebration with them. (Bare in mind this was a nicer hotel and there was a mix of guys and girls there. This is not the beginning of a Lifetime movie of the week...)anywho...my random nice guy went off to bed and I ended up having one of the best conversations of my life with an air force pilot named Justin who was nothing like you'd think he should be.

He grew up in a large family who moved around a lot when he was a kid, but not because of the military, and he never had dreams of becoming a pilot or even joining the military like most of the guys who fly. He joined the air force to pay for college and major in engineering. Through a series of aptitude tests he was recruited to train for flying. His call sign was "Goose" - yes, like Top Gun, and yes he bore an uncanny resemblance to that Goose- He wasn't a career pilot like most of them, he didn't have a long family tradition of flying like the rest of the guys did, but he'd accidentally found something he was good at and actually liked. I confessed my secret career I'd always wanted, that was so much more fantastically fascinating than what I was doing then (or now)and we talked and talked some more. When we realized that everyone else was gone, and he had to be awake and ready to fly in 2 hours, we rose from the hotel hallway floor we'd been planted on for three hours and slightly paused before hugging goodbye. It was one of those odd moments where everything seemed to line up so perfectly that I thought fate might actually exist. We left each other knowing only our first names and a few details about our families that we had shared. No way of contacting one another. What had started out as the crappiest birthday, ended as one of the best nights of my life.

Five years have passed by and I still think about Justin. I still secretly hope that the fates will steer us together again. I wonder if he ever thinks about that night or even remembers my name. So many what if's going through my mind right now.

Feeling it

2010-05-16T00:45:00.002-06:00

feeling |ˈfēli ng |
noun
1 an emotional state or reaction : a feeling of joy.
• ( feelings) the emotional side of someone's character; emotional responses or tendencies to respond : I don't want to hurt her feelings.
• strong emotion : “God bless you!” she said with feeling.
See note at emotion .
2 a belief, esp. a vague or irrational one : [with clause ] he had the feeling that he was being watched.
• an opinion, typically one shared by several people : a feeling grew that justice had not been done.
3 the capacity to experience the sense of touch : a loss of feeling in the hands.
• the sensation of touching or being touched by a particular thing : the feeling of water against your skin.
4 ( feeling for) a sensitivity to or intuitive understanding of : he seems to have little feeling for art.

I stopped feeling a long time ago. It's been so long that I don't remember the last time I really felt. Anything. It became so easy to switch it off, that I just stopped turning it back on all together. Is it too late? It still seems to leak through somehow. In the wee hours of the morning, when I am alone, when I am the only one who can see it. I'll remember for a minute or two. His fragile words, laid out so quickly, not carefully, not planned, just honest, and my first thought. Just shut my eyes.

I can always shut my eyes. When I wake it's off again. Let's just pretend.

Taking in the reins

2010-04-11T23:34:00.002-06:00

I've slowed myself down a lot. I can stop and enjoy the moment now. There is no sense of urgency to get the next check mark on my list. I've still got a list. You have to keep that list, something to keep you moving forward, I just don't have to put a time stamp next to that check mark anymore.

It really is all about the journey. No matter how often you heard it before, no matter how many times you said it before, when you do finally get it, it's gotten, forever. I can recognize other people that get it too. I like to think we are all aware of each other, silently acknowledging our own awareness, nodding to our friends who say they get it, but are so far from it... we were there once. One day they will get it too. They will turn silent too. They will look back on when they swore they knew, and smile at what they thought was missing all this time.

Landslide

2010-03-19T23:08:00.001-06:00

This pretty much sums up everything, doesn't it?

When it don't come easy

2010-02-25T11:11:00.003-07:00

Still trying to keep it simple but it's never as easy as you think it should be. I'm finally back in school and at a point where I have to leave community college. I have one foot in the door of the business college, even though it's the last place I want to be, it's the fastest way to the piece of paper that seems to be holding me back from a higher pay rate at just about every job I've applied for.

After seeing Neanderthals cheat their way to better grades than me, I quit school 3 years ago and never thought about it again until I went job hunting. I love school. I was always an A student and it still irks me to get a B. But I have never hated a school as much as I hate UTEP, my only option unless I want to drive 50 miles to the next nearest university. I won't get into details but their academic focus is less on learning and more on how to recruit better coaches and athletes to the school. I would gladly make that 50 mile drive, however, it makes it more difficult to work the hours I need to. I can't afford not to work. I can't afford to move. I can't stand the idea that this piece of paper has so much control over my life right now.

So, in keeping it simple, I guess I'll just go to the crap school I hate and use it as motivation to get out of there as fast as possible. On the plus side, my parents will be thrilled that one of their children finally has a college degree.

New Year, New Blog

2010-01-02T11:43:00.003-07:00

Resolution #1 keep it simple.

If I've learned one thing in 2009 it's that I over think things. It keeps me from living in the moment and confined me to a cage of well planned ideas. I finally stepped outside the cage and applied for a new job. I didn't get it but at least I took that unplanned step and went for it. I don't know where this year will take me and I won't begin to guess, but I will be more open to any opportunities that come my way.

So here's to keeping things simple in 2010.

Speak

2009-06-07T23:37:00.004-06:00

I had a scare last week. I thought my mom was starting to lose her mind. I took the rational approach and started thinking about what needed to be done. Would she have to be put in a home? Could I afford that? Could I afford the house payment? Where would we all live? What about the pets? After an hour or so of rationally freaking out, I realized that I should get a professional opinion before I commit to anything (even if it is just a hypothetical commitment).

I think most of her "mind slips" as I shall call them, boiled down to stress and end of the year (school year, she's a teacher) stuff. However, she is going to be 62 this year and I can't help thinking that my grandmother, my mother's mother, was 69 when she died of a stroke. She was in peak condition too. After the stroke it only took three days for her to go. Is it better to go so unexpected and quickly? I think I could handle that better than loosing someone slowly. Watching their mind and health leave them day by day. How would my sister handle it? She has such a short fuse, I never know when she will blow.

Over the years, my sister and I have grown accustomed to my mother's lengthy stories. She tends to take stories that would be relatively interesting if she stuck to the main point, and turn them into 10 minute ramblings that rarely end where they started. Usually its just rambling about things my sister and I have no interest in what so ever. We have two strategies when she gets going on one of these, either tune it out and nod your way through it or stop her as soon as she gets off track and tell her to wrap it up! Either way she tends to get upset. Yesterday, in the middle of a ramble about traveling from one store to another and not being able to find more green Martha Stewart garden fencing to match what we already had, I realized that it didn't matter that I had no interest in green Martha Stewart fencing, or matching anything (its rare that my socks match), it was what was bugging her and she wanted to let it out. So I responded, "well green and brown look the same from far away and colorblind people won't be able to tell the difference." She was amused that I had joined in for a second and then she continued on to the thrilling conclusion; she settled on brown fencing that was the same height. I was glad that our conversation about nothing of real importance was the heaviest conversation we had had in recent days.

I tend to forget formality (hi, how are you?) and speak to the point.

I am going to the store. Do you need anything?

Bread. Creamer.

Ok.

Oh wait, bananas.

Ok.

When people first meet me, they think I am shy. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I am a watcher, an observer. When I do speak, I speak with knowledge. I speak with purpose, often the purpose is to make you laugh because then you will like me. I speak to give directions. I speak to protest. I speak to explain. I speak so much that when I get home I fall silent. I am the anchor for all that is in the middle and rational in this house. I carry this life alone, next to my family, and alone. To find peace my sister flees the house and I hide in my room, and my mother leaves us to our own devices, afraid that she has failed us. Even now I am hiding, typing away what I won't say. I will speak the burden and heavy thoughts that my sister and mother will not, but not until I have to. For now I will type. My heavy thoughts will go back on the bottom of the shelf. The next time I speak, it will be with purpose.

The Story

2008-08-31T21:46:00.007-06:00

It's not that Brandi Carlile's music is the only music that speaks to me. Most of it is made up of simple lyrics and basic chords, but there is an honesty that comes from her voice that makes you connect with the music. It just happened to find its way into my life at a time when I was looking for everything she sang about. Now I am not saying that had JayZ somehow found its way into my ipod, I would have had quite the reaction, I just think that things happen for a reason, and try and point you in a certain direction.

I had actually been listening to her music for awhile before I ever even looked for concert dates. It was Jesi who put the whole idea into my head, and once an idea is planted, I usually find a way to do it.

We were on our way to Austin, full tank of gas, some caffeine in hand, some psychology homework, a book light, and a Brandi Carlile mix on the ipod. My sister and I had driven across Texas many times before, but never in April which is apparently deer season. I have never seen so many red eyes peering out from the side of the road. Luckily we were in my sister's Jeep Liberty and we were confident that we could survive should Bambi decide to dart in front of the car.

We made it into Austin by about 4AM and found the Motel 6 we had made a reservation at. I have stayed at many Motel 6's. It is usually our motel of choice when traveling cross country because while it may not have the flashiest accommodations, they are clean and budget friendly. Well, not this one. It had jagged rusted pieces of metal protruding above our heads on the bed, apparently where the head board was once attached. The bathroom had one towel in it and the room had a strange smell to it. It reminded me of a bad motel in a slasher film.

While I would normally go voice my complaints immediately, I was exhausted and we were only using the room to sleep for 5 hours and have a quick shower since check out was at 11AM. Five sleep filled hours later, we arose and checked out. First things first, we needed to find the location of the venue so we knew exactly how to get there. We found 5th street easy enough and while trying to decide where the best place to park would be, we stumbled upon a tour bus parked by the side of the building.

Jesi and I went into freak out mode. There was a parking lot right across from the bus. We parked and watched. My sister really didn't know who Brandi Carlile was, she was just being a good sport and driving us, and I must say that she put up with our insane behavior like a champ. After going up and down the street, passing the same bars at least a dozen times, asking for directions, only to be told that we were on the right street and the Parish was right over there, somewhere.....we finally found it. The name was painted on glass about 6 feet above the entry way in size 10 font. After going inside, very quietly, and sneaking a peak into the bar to see if the band was practicing (they weren't) we took off back to the car.

"Let's walk by the bus!" Jesi and I deliberated and I don't know why, but we were almost scared to walk by the bus. My sister was growing tired of walking and ended the debate by starting to walk up the hill, by the bus, while we debated. So we followed behind her and as soon as we started walking, 10 feet in front of us, the bus doors pop open and out walks Ms. Carlile herself. She looked at us and smiled and kind of half way nodded. My sister stopped to lean against something and fix her flip flop. Jesi and I had the same bewildered look on our faces that we had at Tucson. We continued to climb the hill at a feverish rate and round the corner, at which point we squeezed each others hands and did a happy dance.

"Why didn't we say anything?"
" We should have said something!"
"She must think we are crazy!"
"Where is Kendra?"

Just then, Kendra rounds the corner. "My feet hurt, are we going back to the car?"

"Kendra! That was her! That was Brandi Carlile!"

"Oh, I thought maybe it was" she laughed a little, "I totally talked to her, I think she's still down there lets go back." But we looked around the corner and she was gone, bus doors closed.

"What! OMG! Tell us everything! What did she say? Was it amazing!" Jesi and I were like 2 girls at a slumber party prying details out about someone's first kiss.

"She just said 'hi' and I pointed at you two and said 'these two are making me crazy' and she laughed a little and then I followed you up the hill."

"OMG she laughed, does she think we are crazy stalkers now?"
"I bet she hates us"
"What else Kendra! We have to know everything."

After repeating the same thing to us another 2 or 3 times, we finally calmed down enough to get back to the car. We took off to a mall to meet up with an old friend of Jesi's. We had a few hours to kill. After poking around at the mall, we decided to just head back to the venue, after all, we should get there early before parking filled up. Wehad to park in front of that bus. Doors wouldn't even open at the show until 8, but we wanted to get there at 7 since it was general admission. As we headed back to the parking lot across from the tour bus, our excitement level began to rise again.

"I can't believe we saw her and didn't say anything."
"OK, if we see her again, we HAVE to say something."
"Definitely."

We crossed the street, back to our hiding spot at the top of the hill, we paused briefly and started walking knowing the likelihood of her popping out of the bus again was slim. We were slowly walking past the bus when a champagne colored SUV pulled up in front of the bus, all four doors flew open, and people started unpacking instrument cases from the back of it.

Holy cow. It couldn't be. It was the whole band.

Brandi, Tim, Phil, and Josh were standing 5 feet in front of us. I think we just froze. They all waved to the person driving and then ran down the alley and into the back of a building.

"I can't believe that just happened"
"Why didn't we say anything?! Again!"

We managed to collect ourselves and made it to a bar. Had a few drinks and then went to wait in line. We were outside for an over an hour and the line grew longer and longer. The show had apparently sold out, good thing I did will call tickets online.

Finally we were let in. Jesi and I bee lined it to our spot, left side in front of Tim. This venue was basically a bar with a stage in it. The stage was less than 2 feet off the ground and all their instruments were crammed together, it was nothing like the Tucson show. Most people went to the bar to start drinking, but a few other Brandi followers claimed their spot around the stage and waited. Gibb Droll opened for them again. He is an amazing blues guitarist and friend of the band. Later that night while we waited to get an autograph from Brandi we talked with Gibb for a bit. He is the ultimate musician, singer/songwriter guitarist extraordinaire, and completely humble.

Then the band came out.

I could have grabbed Brandi's leg, she was so close. The show was even better than the last. There was a genuine "crazy" drunk girl who kept screaming in the middle of sets, kept trying to push her way up to the stage, and bought Brandi a beer. Brandi jokingly said "Oh I don't know, you might have put a rufi in this...I might like it!" We all had a good laugh but that girl was going to get my elbow in her eye if she tried to push in front of me one more time. The genuine crazy girl made us feel a little better about just being slightly obsessed but not full fledged crazy.

They did an impromptu version of "Fortunate Son" to which she had the lyrics in her hand, just in case, and by the end of the song she had crumpled the paper and threw it to the ground, clinging on to the mic stand and screaming,

"It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate one,
It ain't meee, it ain't meee, I ain't no fortunate son, no, no, no!"

She closed with her signature closer, "Hallelujah" I have heard at least 6 different artists cover this song and I can honestly say that she does it with more conviction than even Leonard Cohen. If you don't listen to any other song she sings, at least find a live performance of her doing "Hallelujah". It still brings me to tears, everytime.

The show was over and people were asking the techies for set lists and pics, I however, had seen where the crumpled piece of paper with the lyrics to "Fortunate Son" had landed and was able to get that. People were waiting around for her to go sign stuff at the merch table. It was only 12AM and by my calculations we had to leave by 1AM or Jesi would miss her exam. Still, we waited, we wanted to be one of the last people in line. We had to make up for Tucson and the bus.

While we waited we made friends with some other Brandi fans and instantly bonded over the "crazy" drunk girl and how we had all had a part in stomping on her foot or elbowing her in the face at least once. We exchanged email info and they gave us the website of the unofficial fan site were they all mingle online.

We hopped in line and realized that "crazy" was in front of us. I must say that Brandi deals with "crazy" girls like a champ.

"I tried to get you a beer. Can you do 'Eye of the Needle'" To which Brandi responds, "Oh that was so long ago, I don't even remember but maybe next time" She signed something for her and even took a picture with her.

It was our turn, again. Don't screw it up. This time we had our camera. We were ready.

I started it off," Hi, we were at the Tucson show. We came from El Paso"

"Oh yah, how'd ya'll like the show"

"It was amazing" we both chimed. She had finished signing our stuff and there was a line of people still behind us. Finally Jesi spoke, "I just wanted you to know what your music has meant to me" Brandi stood completely listening, "I went through a lot of stuff last year, and you literally saved my life." Jesi began to cry, "I just think you should know that your music has had an impact on me and I'm sure other people too, and I didn't get a chance to tell you that last time, and I just wanted you to know..."

She was trying not to cry more and Brandi looked as if she might cry too and said,"well thank you, you are just breakin my heart" She was completely genuine in everything she said. The line of people behind us could have been a thousand people long and she still would have taken the time to talk to Jesi. "Well you helped me through a lot and I just wanted you to know what your music means to me," Jesi said with a smile and I quickly interjected "How about a picture?"

Everyone else's photos had been taken with Brandi leaning over the merch table, but she made her way around the merch table and gave Jesi a full on hug. Then we took pictures, thanked her again and made our way outside.

Kendra had been in the Jeep for the last 45 minutes waiting for us. She had sent us a text message saying that the 'boys' in the band were at the bus loading it. We had bought vinyl copies of The Story which Brandi signed and we were feeling bold so we ran across the street to say hello to the twins.

The twins, Tim and Phil, were feverishly loading the bus with about 5 other people, running in and out of the building. We managed to get the attention of one of them, I couldn't tell you whether it was Tim or Phil because they are identical. Jesi asked,"would it be completely obnoxious if we asked for your autograph" to which he replied, "Hell no! Come over here!"
We talked with Tim for a few minutes and he called his brother over.

"So where are you all from?" We told them about driving from El Paso and that Jesi has an exam in exactly 10 hours and how we were at the Tucson show and just had to see them play one more time. To which Tim remembered "Oh yah, you girls were in the same spot at the Tucson show, right?" We only half way smiled, "Yes" trying not to seem like "crazy" girls.
"Well it is the best seat in the house" Tim said with a big grin on his face. They wished Jesi luck on her exam and told us to drive safely and we ran back across the street to Kendra who was smoking,"you got to talk to them for a while, that's cool, come on we have to head out, tell me about it in the car." We must have babbled on for an hour, reliving the entire night, how incredibly humble and down to earth Brandi and the twins had been, about the drunk girl, about our new friends we met, and about the large lesbian turnout at her shows.

Jesi passed out shortly after that and I followed. Kendra woke me up in Van Horn not able to drive another minute. I took over and we got Jesi to her exam with 30 minutes to spare. She didn't actually study in the car, that was the plan but due to the level of excitement, she never really did. Jesi got a 90, the highest test grade she had ever received in that class. We like to think it was the Brandi gods divine intervention.

All in all, Jesi and I would watch Brandi and the band perform live 10 more times that year. The Brandi gods would intervene a few more times, and send us on an adventure that took us to Seattle, Portland and back to the great southwest.

When I look back on this state of star struck delirium that Jesi and I were in, I can't help but think what Kendra was thinking and being thankful that my sister hasn't given me more shit about it over the last year. My coworkers are not as forgetful and love to joke about multiple restraining orders against me and me quitting my job to become a groupie. It's all in good fun. After all, I could be known as worse things than 'that girl who loves Brandi Carlile'

The bunnies that almost didn't

2008-08-21T10:40:00.005-06:00

I first met Jesi at work about 4 years ago. We traveled in different "circles" at work and do in part to some workplace dramatics we had never really talked a whole lot. Until one day, I wondered over to the music department and we struck up a conversation about childhood cartoons and how they were finally being released to DVD. We were both disappointed that we couldn't find the Wuzzles cartoon anywhere, that wonderful Disney cartoon with animal hybrids like, Bumlelion, Eleroo (elephant/kangaroo), and my favorite Hoppopotamus (hippo/rabbit). After making a childhood cartoon connection, we discovered that we both loved Brandi Carlile and in a few months her new album The Story would be released. Deciding to stop hanging out with coworkers outside of work was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It eliminated drama from both my work life and my personal life. Jesi is the only person I made an exception for.

A few months down the road...it's Friday, Easter weekend and Jesi, myself, and my mother are driving to Tucson to stay with my mothers best friend. Jesi and I had 2 tickets to see Brandi at the Rialto Theatre on Saturday night. We were so excited that we got there 2 hours early and sat outside in line with about 5 other people who were as excited as we were. The line grew steadily and finally we were let in, we rushed inside, not sure of what the set up would be like. Brandi is a rock star, surely there will be some sort of barricade between her and us? Nope. We settled to the center left side of the stage and promptly crossed our arms and leaned on the stage, staking our territory.

We made friends with the very nice asian fellow who was standing dead center, with a camera in hand. He told us that he had been to the last 5 shows, starting in Portland, then LA, then San Francisco, the San Diego, then Phoenix, and now here. Apparently he had met Brandi a few times because she will take pictures after the shows and sign stuff. Darn it, we had left the camera in the car because of the "no photography" sign outside, but our new friend (who's name I don't remember because I am horrible with names) said that he would gladly take a picture of us and send it to me via email. I remember quietly joking with Jesi that this guy was a crazy groupie/stalker. Oh how the tables would turn.

I am not proficient enough in the english language to even begin to describe the intensity of the bands performance, other than to say it was life changing. Go youtube Brandi Carlile and see for yourself - start here http://www.youtube.com/user/snowshoe80 - the woman who shot these is a crazy woman who we finally met at a Portland show. Yes, we have crossed multiple states to see Brandi and band, but now I am getting ahead of myself....

The show was over and Jesi and I almost fell to the floor, it was an emotional high, and now we were going to meet her. I'd say about half the people in the audience had no idea who Brandi Carlile even was and were only there because it was Saturday night and they had nothing else to do. The other half were completely stoked that she would be signing autographs afterwards and ran to get in line. Finally our time had come, our new friend was waiting behind us to take our picture with Brandi, and we were completely star struck.

I couldn't even speak. I can only imagine the stupid look we must have had on our faces. Brandi looked at us, waiting for us to speak, and all we could do was hand her our ticket stubs to sign and finally one of us (I can't even remember which one of us it was) stammered,"We came from El Paso to see you" to which she replied,"well I drove from San Diego to see you," at which point one of us either motioned or possible stammered about taking a picture. We got a quick picture snapped, I think Brandi said hope you liked the show or something to that effect. Honestly, I was so in awe of her that my brain just couldn't process any thoughts or retain anything that was said. Jesi was the same way, we joke that I had to usher her away from Brandi.

We sat out in the parking lot just watching the tour bus comings and goings for an hour. We replayed the whole set list, which parts we loved, how we couldn't believe how amazing the whole experience had been. Bare in mind that Jesi is the daughter of a musician and spent the first 10 years of her life traveling with her fathers band who opened for the likes of BB King and Bonnie Raitt. Even outside of her fathers shows, Jesi has an extensive amount of live performances under her belt, and even she was having a mindgasim at what we had just witnessed.

The next morning we had Easter brunch. It was Jesi's first Easter that she had not spent with her family. We haven't done anything on Easter since I was about 10 years old, but Jesi's family still to this day dies eggs and spends the day together. My mother and I left the house while Jesi was in the shower to get plastic eggs, candy, and bunnies for a make shift basket. We surprised her with an egg hunt and for a moment I remembered what it was like to be 10 again.

It is very difficult to hide eggs in a xeroscaped lawn. In the end it's the thought that counts the most.

We named our bunnies Brandi and Carlile to commemorate the weekend. Brandi bunny is a permanent addition to my dashboard and Carlile floats around Jesi's car too.

As soon as we were home, we myspace stalked Brandi and discovered that the band had a show in Austin on Wednesday night. Austin is only an 8 to 9 hour drive. I say only because I drive across Texas at least once a year to visit family and friends, so I am use to doing 12 hour drives. We needed to go to Austin. We needed to see Brandi again and explain what her music meant to us. How it had helped both of us get through some very personal experiences. We had to redeem ourselves from the complete "Duuuh" moment that we had in front of her in Tucson.

I had to work both Wednesday and Thursday. Jesi had an exam Thursday morning at 8am. The show is in Austin at 9pm, probably won't get out until midnight, then an 8 hour drive back, we'd both be exhausted already, then Jesi's test...it just wouldn't work out. But what if.....

Itunes starts playing Brandi and I get a text message from my sister, she's just been fired from her job. Well nothing gets you out of the just-got-fired blues faster than an impromptu road trip to watch an amazing band. I made a quick phone call to work, after 5 minutes of bargaining, begging, and pleading my shifts were covered. Jesi could study in the car, Kendra and I would drive, as long as we left Austin by 1am we could get Jesi to her test on time.

It was a crazy plan, but it just might work....

Music fortune telling

2008-08-17T11:42:00.004-06:00

I was introduced to radio fortune teller by a good friend of mine. We would often use the radio to help make small decisions about where to eat- Taco Bell or Wendy's? Since we live in a city that has 2 spanish stations for every english one, we ate at Taco Bell a lot.

I have been a book slave at a retail store for 4 years. While the job is by no means what I want to do with the rest of my life, it has created some unexpected ripples in my life. It was during work that I heard Brandi Carlile for the first time. Her voice belted out overhead as though she were singing to me, about me. I actually stopped working and just stood listening for about 5 minutes before I marched over to our music department and bought the album, a self titled debut, Brandi Carlile.

The music itself is not over produced, the lyrics are simple, just a couple of guitars, some drums, some bass, and a cello, but there is something more that you can feel when you hear her sing. I flipped through the cd insert to read lyrics and see who had written them, then it clicked, she had written most of them, along with her fellow bandmates, Tim and Phil (who are identical twins and gorgeous). The threesome had been together for a few years now and this was their first album on a major record label. Brandi Carlile is more the name of a band than the woman who sings the songs. There is no diva in this woman, just a girl who loves music, and two boys who don't really care that she is the face of it all.

While this album was helping me heal old wounds, it was also healing someone else I worked with and had never really spoken to. It wasn't until a little over a year later that I would become great friends with this person and we would take a road trip that changed both our lives. I would soon find that Brandi on cd is nothing compared to watching the band live.

2008-07-31T12:25:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I decided to delete my myspace account. I sent out messages to the friends I actually still know with my email address telling them I was deleting the account and to keep in touch via email. From the few responses I got, you would have thought I told them I was cutting off a limb. "OMG why would you do that?" "NOOOOOOO!" and my favorite "I hope you lost a bet or something"

Honestly, it was nice to see what people had been up to and I loved when someone from over a decade ago managed to find me and "friend" me. But I was only friends, in real life, with maybe 10 of people. I suppose I am old fashioned in thinking that true friends will write you an email every once in a while filling you in on the details of their life or God forbid, pick up a phone and call you. Instead we have been reduced to posting "comments" like - "hey! you need to stop by more often, quit my job, tell ya about it later" or those annoying ultra glittery "hope you have a great weekend". I found myself spending hours, literally hours, toying around with my layout or myspace stalking celebrities. (I am not proud of that last one)

I think we have all become detached from actual human contact. I know there are people who would argue that this is the next wave of communication and is the way of the future, and if that is really the case then we are in for a sad existence. We are 2 steps away from talking to fake people on a giant wall in our homes, running down pedestrians for fun, and burning all of our books. And if you have no idea what book I am referencing then I have just proven my case.

I don't really need to know what your favorite books are, or what your favorite television show is, you could love the X-Files and still be a complete a$$hole, it doesn't mean we should be "friends" on myspace or anywhere else. If you really are my friend then I already know your favorite television shows, the books you read over and over, the music you can't live without, and we have probably shared at least one of our hopes/dreams with each other already.

I've been detached from myself for awhile now. I lost my way somewhere back there and now I am just trying to get back on track. Writing was always theraputic for me. I am going to spend the extra hours I get back writing or being a better mother to my dog.

I love to meet knew people, so don't think I don't appreciate comments or take them to heart. I find complete strangers to be more honest than most of my friends. Maybe somewhere down the line we will be friends, but until then I won't be leaving you any glittery comments. Feel free to drop me an email though.

darcyroo@gmail.com

So many things unsaid

2008-07-30T16:35:00.001-06:00

I miss him. I never had him, but I miss him. I have a perfect idea in my head of what it would be like and as annoying as it might have been, it still seems like a grand time. Coffee in the morning; myself silently reading the paper and he reading a book. A philosophical exchange of words that borders on an arguement and then wraps around to a kiss. An embrace. A connection.
It is so hard to find that connection. It is not something that you can search out and make happen. It happens on its own, unbeknowst to you, until one day you find yourself thinking of the future as you never did before. Fall.

As quick as you find it, it is gone. There is no slip away, no slowly, no gradually, just gone.

Two people who live in reality find it again.

Our greatest fault, not broken promises, not petty differences, not the weight of too many expectations, but rather the inability to escape our own versions of reality. The weight and measure of reality. Really though, its only for our own protection. Maybe it is only me, but I find a comfort in thinking that it is you too. Tied up and twisted, is never how we will feel, no wave, no crash.

If I never speak your name again, then maybe, just maybe I can find someone else who makes me feel half the way you do. But that, in all honesty and reality, is impossible.

My children

2008-07-30T09:23:00.006-06:00

I currently have 6 children who, while very time consuming and demanding, are the highlight of most of my days.

The oldest is Trixie, now 11, who still has her health but with every passing year gets a little more crazy. She acts like she doesn't like to be around anyone and will isolate herself in a room for most of the day. Then when her people get home she comes out and rests on her perch in the living room. She will spend the entire time shooting evil looks at Ash and Sasha, then will randomly decide to jump in someones lap, rub against them as though she wants to be loved, and then protest as soon as you start to pet her by turning and nipping the hand that loves her. As neurotic as she is, we still love her, our little grey tabby with a white belly and green eyes.

Ash and Sasha, the terrible twosome, the youngest of the brood, and the most entertaining. What were once 2 tiny hairballs are now 15 lb beasts of destruction and endless whining. Even if they weren't overweight they would still be large cats. Due to the number of animals that roam our home, we keep the bedroom doors closed, and anything of value inside the bedrooms. The boys have a weird thing about chewing on power chords so our house is beyond child proof, its kitty proof.

Luckily they have grown out of most of their kitten quarks....well almost. Ash still likes to sit outside our doorways (mine and my sisters) and cry and cry and cry until someone gets up. You would think he wants food? Maybe attention? No, no. He just wants you up because he is. As soon as you open the door he looks at you briefly as though he were saying, "Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?" and then runs away. We tried many things to deter this behavior and finally my sister found something that works: meow back at him. Thats right, now instead of "Ash thats enough!!!!!" you hear,

"Meeeeeeeow."

Ash, "Meeeow?"

"Meooowoow"

Ash,"Meow??"

"Meeow"

Ash,"M.." and then you can hear him trot away. we make them wear bells, mostly so they can't sneak up on poor Trixie. Chasing her is one of their favorite games. It's honestly the only exercise they get.

Sasha walks with an air of superiority, like a spoiled prince who gets away with everything. He will pick the most obsticle ridden path to get anywhere and push things out of his way. Case in point, instead of jumping from the floor up to the sofa, he will first jump on the coffee table, walk OVER the fake plant sitting in the middle, dragging pieces of fake plant with him, turn around look at the plant with disdain, try to push it off the table (literally he will go belly up and kick at things- it is hilarious) and then finally jump onto the sofa. We let him get away with things mostly out of guilt. We named him Sasha because for the first 6 months of his life we thought he was a she. Thanks goodness our vet realized we were wrong before he cut into him.

Darian is as old as Trixie and the only cat that goes outside. All of our cats use to be indoor/outdoor as they pleased but too many vet bills and too much heartbreak has lead to the indoor only policy. With old age, he has started staying inside more, which is one less thing for me to worry about. We have had 2 cats disappear and never come back. My mind tends to go to dark places and think the worst has happened, but maybe they got tired of living in a zoo and found a home a few blocks over.

The dogs, the foundation of any home, the protectors, the closest things I'll ever have to a horse. Mercedes and Chance, both from rescue groups. I got Sades when I lived in Waco and blackmailed my mother into letting me keep her. I had dropped out of school and was waiting tables, and my mother wanted me back home, so we struck a deal and Mercedes got to come home with me. Before her there was a strict height and weight limit on dogs in the house, no higher than the knee. My biggest fear was that she would try to eat the cats, literally. She used to chase squirrels with such a vengeance, that I thought she would do the same to the cats. All it took was one whack on the nose and she instinctively knew to stay clear. For awhile she was actually afraid of them, but that faded and she now enjoys the occasional cat chase. At 115 lbs and a good 3ft tall, mixed shepard, she can be a lot to handle.

Chance, my perfect boy, is smart as a whip. Too smart. He is like a circus dog. No fear. Will try anything at least once, including, climbing ladders, eating vegetables, and trying to get Trixie to love him. Wants nothing more than to please you, if only he could figure out exactly what you wanted...you didn't want me to to jump up and lick your face? When standing on his hindlegs he is taller than me by an inch or so. Mixed great dane, about 105lbs and a few inched taller than Sades, he learns very quickly and if I were a better mom I would take him to agility classes and help him work of some of his energy. I love Chances story the best. We were about to leave for a family vacation in 2 days and went to Petsmart for supplies. We had just put one of our other dogs to sleep (Tippy- 15 years old, dachsaund mix, thought she was a cat) and Mercedes I thought Mercedes was getting lonely.

Chance was in the largest cage they had, hunched over, ears sticking out the top- 9 months old, 90 lbs. When we got back from vacation 2 weeks later, he was still there and to my complete shock my mother said,"well he's already been returned 3 times and no one is going to take a dog this big. Just look at him, he doesn't fit in the cage." I almost fell over, this from the mouth of the woman who strictly enforced the not-above-the-knee rule for 23 years.

And that is my current roster of children. We are trying our best not to add anymore, but we have never been able to say no to someone or something in true need of a home or some love.

I wanted to believe...

2008-07-28T01:27:00.004-06:00

What a disappointment XF2 was. I'm just going to lay it out there, it sucked balls. Chris Carter had 10 freaking years to perfect that movie and it looks like something they slapped together the week before they started shooting. Ugh. No more talk of things that disappoint me. (We could be here all night)

My mini vacation was life changing. Izzard opened my eyes to the fundamental belief we should all have- each other. After a drink, some swag, and a few hours of laughter, I left the Orpheum a little more knowledgeable and a little less likely to go to church. If we can't believe in the goodness of ourselves then we really are screwed.

My horse ride was wonderful. Three days later and I am still sore, my right arm is a lovely shade of red from the severe sunburn that I got (but at least the swelling went down), and I want a horse of my own even more than ever. Bella (pronounced with a -ya not -la) gave me something I forgot I had - a belief in me. You might be able to fool your coworkers into thinking you know best, even when you doubt it yourself. You might be able to fool your family into thinking you have everything under control, even though you feel like your spinning out of control. You might even be able to fool yourself into thinking you are "ok", "alright", "I know what I'm doing", but you will never be able to fool a horse. Take a long hard pause before you jump on the back of that animal, that beautiful creature can read you better than you can read yourself. Horse therapy should be a requirement for all psychological treatment. Skip the shrink and the couch, head over to your local cowboy/horse healer/robert redford and ask for a lesson. It will save you thousands and thousand of dollars in medical bills....although you will probably start up a hefty bill with the local feed store/veterinarian/stable when you decide you want your very own.

I've been doubting myself lately and thanks to Bella, Izzard, and someone I once loved, I've gotten a little piece of me back. I don't know where exactly I am headed, but at least I have started moving.

Let's get this thing started

2008-07-21T13:43:00.002-06:00

I am taking a mini vacation this week. Two days of Eddie Izzard, a date with a horse, then the grand canyon and right back home. Kind of a crammed together last minute vacation. No Brandi Carlile this time, but horse back riding is all I have been dreaming about for the last month. Let's hope it is as life changing as I want it to be.

It's kind of a bad week to be taking vacation. The season premiere of Mcleods Daughters is this wednesday and I will be without a computer until Saturday. Hopefully by then some lovely soul will have uploaded it onto you tube.

The X-Files premiere is on Friday and I had planned on having a party and a sort of high school reunion, but I will be somewhere near the grand canyon so there goes that plan. At least I have a date on Sunday with one of my favorite persons to go see it.

Well I was going to post a video of the teaser for McLeods Daughters but blogspot is being a jerk and I have to finish packing.

I promise an awesome blog on Saturday. I will be sleep deprived, high on a McLeods fever, and probly drinking some wine. See you then.